Darkness

It’s amazing who many words there are to describe sadness. And it helps that most of them start with a ‘D’.

Death
Depression
Disappointment
Downtrodden

And yes. It’s another emo entry.

Life’s just a big mess. I have never felt so lost, unsettled, insecure, unloved, physically, emotionally, mentally unstable. Oh wait. There’s more, suicide. And I also admit that I have lost some faith in God. I know God frown upon those who thinks/commits suicide. So I’m just a disappointment to Him. I’m just a big fat disappointment to everyone in my life.

Sometimes I wonder how a cheerful, loving person, that smiled her way through everything that came her way, turned into a person who thinks that life has nothing left to live for. Let alone she has lived her whole life following where God has led her to be today.

Let’s try to see the link between my messed up life, with my messed up emotions.

Trips on the train makes me think a lot. When I think too much, I feel too much.

I don’t have a proper classroom to settle in, hence I’m just moving from lecture hall to lecture hall to classrooms.

I can’t find any true friends who I think are worth letting in.

No word in the dictionary can describe School work.

My source of motivation has gone. (It’s sort of dumb, but it’s the one that’s causing ALL the heartache and tears) It’s just a lot of questions in my head. And my ONLY answer is to cry. Cry when I think of the past. Cry to the songs we sang to each other. Freaking hell, everything reminds me of him. He literally built me up and tore me down. So you can go ahead and tell me. “He’s just a jerk”. But I worry a lot for him, because I care for him. He’s not the best guy you’ll ever catch, and obviously he wasn’t an angel either. I may not understand his flaws, let alone, I don’t really approve any of them. But he’s got a heart I love. He was there to pick me up. And now without him, as much as I try, I can’t seem to motivate myself. I wake up every morning thinking it’s another painful day without him.

So after reading that point, you figured I failed on carrying out whatever I typed in my previous post. Is there a record on how many consecutive days a human can cry?

I think my life is like a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle, and I’m a 2 year old trying to piece it together.

Maybe, just maybe, if you guys prayed hard enough, my next post would be happier. But it’ll take time. I’m stuck in a moment that I don’t want to end. It took me 2 years to get over a crush so imagine me getting over him.

I need to learn how to love me again.

-To All The Guys that Complicate My Life-